same old shit

Here i am again. Still writing the same blah blahs. You can't blame me from acting and feeling stupid like this right now. Yeah i still feel that same old shitty-mushy-pain-in-the-ass emo feeling. Undeniably exasperating. I am tired. Tired of feeling the same old shit every single day. Dig that? Wanna be in my shoe? I don't think you can handle this because even i, I have started to lose my sanity. I hate this. I hate you for making me feel this way. For making me feel frustrated everyday. I just wanted to be happy...just to be happy. Being happy is a luxury for me. And i find it Bull shit. Why does it have to be like this? You cannot buy happiness. I know that but can't i just be happy? Or do i just have to convince myself that i should be happy. This is way pathetic. Well, pathetic is an understatement. This is shitty. There. A perfect term for a perfect situation. I am all fucked up for real. I just received an sms message from you and guess what the mushy-pain-in-the-ass- emo feeling came back. Darn. Me and my stupid heart. I am all upside down. You've turned me upside down. The needing and the yearning feeling...i cannot cut it off. The thinking and the caring bullshit feeling...i cannot escape it. I still want to care about you, still want to miss you...still wanna weave dreams with you. When will i stop? i want to stop all of this. i am all fucked up and cold and the bad part is you're the only one who can make me feel warm. Everything about this is heart wrenching, tormenting. Teach me to forget you...teach me to learn on how to. I don't want this pain anymore...i want to escape this reality and hide in my dreams but every details about it turns into a nightmare. You're still everywhere. In every thoughts that i have, in every air that i breathe,in every words that i murmur, in every notes that i hum...you're still there. Where do i go from here? I want to run away...run away until the time fades the stains away. I know i can win this fight...i don't wanna fall for defeat. I am strong and i can be stronger without you. I just need time. Only time. Just time.

I wish i could be every little thing you wanted

I know I will never be good enough for you. I am not your ideal girl...will not be perfect for you. It's not my fault if I fell in love with you. I have tried to forget every detail about you...God knows how hard I've tried to forget you...every detail, every vivid detail about Us. Those happy memories... Until now the pain is still cutting through the edges of my sanity.

Again.. I did not choose to fall in love with you... Cause I know if I will be given a chance to turn back the clock I will not choose to be with you even in a short span of time.

I'd rather soar and fly away from the possibility of falling in love and will prefer to be solely emptier than hurting like hell beside you.

I'll let you go even if I know that letting you go is like giving up every happiness that I've known. That's the only choice that I have.

I can't love you. I do not want to anymore. Enough is enough. I think I have to learn to think about myself now...think about my happiness. I know even if I will do everything and change myself into something that you really wanted...I'll never be good enough for you.

You didn't love me as I am...you loved a girl in your fantasy...in your dreams. I am just me. Plainly vulnerable me.

I am strong...I know I am not like just an ordinary girl, but I am cowardly and weak when it comes to you. You're the only one who can break me and shake me. Big time.

I am not dumb not to know how important it is to be somebody to someone. But I cannot be that somebody you'll ever dream of having. My mind is wrecked and my heart is crushed and I cannot do anything about it. I cannot deny the fact that until now I am still in love with you...that I am still crazy about you...but I have to let go of this...let go of the feelings...the dreams of having you around.

I'll just love you until this feeling fades away...I know the time will come that I will not wish to hold your hand anymore...

One day. Someday.

I just don't want you no more

How do you mend a broken heart? It's not just like throwing pebbles, not just like turning your head away, nor like just blinking your eye. I don't know. Whatever it is I just want this pain to go away. I do not want to pity myself. The pain is killing me softly...and I cannot do anything about it. I want to forget you. I think I am ready now to let you go and just move on. I hope it's just easy. Easy to do these things without compromising my mind. This is a war of my heart and my mind. My heart is telling me to hold on but my mind wants me to let go...apparently my mind is stronger, much stronger than my heart. I do not want to do this because whenever i want to forget a person it'll be much simpler for me to let go but the thing is, i don't want to erase you in my memory..i don't just want you to be a part of my past...but to be a part of my life. Living a life without you is empty. I know it is pathetic and yeah i am a loser by just acting up like this. Darn love. I don't wanna try falling again. It is traumatic. It is complicated. I thought it is a fairytale...all about sunshine, butterflies, rainbows...but the reality is...it is about pain, heartaches, tears...or maybe i am not just lucky to find the right man for me. I hope someday i'll meet the person who can make me smile even if there's no reason for me to smile about. But now..it's still you. Every time i think about us can still make my heart break. This is gonna be the last blog that i am gonna write because of you. I know time will come that i wouldn't want to hold your hand anymore...will not dream of having you around. I know you'll just be a part of a bitter past. I will forget you. I have to. And i have to do that now. I'll start erasing you in my memory...it's gotta be now or never...